Pet Loss / Bereavement

Photo by Pat & David Buccello

At some point in our lives, we experience the loss of a loved one. The pain we experience can be heart-wrenching and we might wonder if it will ever end. The pain is no less when the loss is one of our beloved dogs.  You may feel overwhelmed by the loss of your dog and all the sadness that arises. Sometimes others may not understand your feelings of loss and might even suggest that you are being a bit silly for feeling so sad. All the feelings of sorrow you experience when your dog dies are real and valid, and you probably need to feel them. Hopefully this article will help you, and others who care about you, better understand the process of grieving and the process of healing from the loss of our dogs.

Recently a colleague described the experience of being present with a friend as his dog was being euthanized: “his tears were coming from deep within him and hearing his gut wrenching sobs made me start crying – it was so very, very sad”. Anyone who has had to go through this with their dog can probably understand this man’s feelings. But, how do we get to the point of feeling this way?

The deep emotional connection we have with our dogs begins as we become attached to them. Attachment happens when we feel bonded or loyal to our dog. We feel attached to our dogs when we feel love and devotion to them and when we make a commitment to care for our dogs. We become attached to our dogs for many, many reasons, but perhaps at the core is the fact that both dogs and humans are social animals and enjoy each others company. Over time, dogs become our best friends, good listeners, traveling buddies, hangout pals or work mates.

Even if we are all attached to our dogs, some people do seem to have a more difficult time healing from a dog’s death than others. Lorri Greene, PhD (Saying Goodbye to the Pet You Love, 2002) has noticed that dog lovers tend to fall into one of three different categories of attachment. She labeled these categories as Conventionally Bonded, Intensely Bonded and Uniquely Bonded. People who are conventionally bonded tend to recover more rapidly from the death of a dog than people who are either intensely or uniquely bonded with their dogs. Generally, if someone is intensely or uniquely bonded with his or her dog, they view their dog as an integral family member and have provided exceptional care to their dog. Having an idea of how attached you are to your dog can help you better understand the depth of your grief and ways to help your healing process.

Grief is often defined as the combination of behaviors and emotions we experience at the close of a relationship. With the death of a dog, many guardians enter a grieving period. Some symptoms of grieving included crying, denial, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, tiredness, loneliness, anger and dreaming of your dog. It is important to remember that these are only a few of the symptoms and that each person is unique in how they might grieve.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described the following five phases of grieving: disbelief (or denial). anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most people who are grieving pass through these stages, although the stages do not necessarily come in any particular order and may be re-visited a number of times during the grieving process.  It is also not uncommon for people to feel guilt after the death of a dog. Guilt arises for dog guardians because our dogs depend upon us for all of their medical care and we make all of the medical decisions for our dogs. We decide what medicines to use, when and if surgery is performed, and when to euthanize. We also decide what our financial limits are for our dog’s medical expenses. Sometimes we can feel like we did not do enough, or question decisions we made about treatments or question our decision to euthanized our dog. It is in this doubting that guilt grows. If a person feels guilt, it is important to remind yourself “I did the best I could” and to remember all the good things you did for your dog.

Healing from the loss of your dog takes time, but there are a number of things you can do to help yourself feel better. Below I have listed a number of suggestions, some might be helpful and others may not. It is important to honor your own individual healing process.

• Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep and get out of the house.

• Talk with other people who loved your dog and talk with them about how you are feeling.

• Talk with other people who loved your dog about all the wonderful times they shared with your dog.

• Write in a journal about how you are feeling or write about all the happy times you shared with your dog.

• Start a new activity, dancing, painting, skiing, or volunteering.

• Practice mindfulness, meditation or yoga.

• Try not to make big decisions while grieving.

• Honor your pet with a memorial or other ritual signifying his/her presence in your life.

• Laugh and spend time doing things that are enjoyable for you.

• Try to vary your routine from the one you shared with your dog.

• Seek professional help if you are concerned that you are not healing in the way you anticipated. Sometimes the death of a dog may bring up other sad memories.

• Give yourself time to cry, scream or whatever helps you to express your grief.

• If you are thinking of getting another dog, make sure you are really ready and do not rush the decision. When you are able to love another dog as wholeheartedly as you loved the dog you are grieving, you will know it is time to bring another dog home.